CLINICALLY DEPRESSED CHRISTMAS
This time last year I was .. struggling. It was a pretty dark and newly medicated time that I like to refer to as my ‘clinically depressed Christmas’. I know someone will be offended by that but truly, I don’t care.
Part of my problem was that everything that was weighing on me wasn’t mine. I work through my emotions by oversharing with my internet community, it’s not something I’d recommend but it worked for me for a long time. Whereas some people journal or vent to their friends, I vlog or podcast and things just.. come out. I talk them through aloud, alone in a room and I something about that process helps me. Of course, I then share it publicly with the handful of people who are interested and that part is perhaps NOT the smartest.. but IT WORKED FOR ME.
So when the time came that the problems weren’t ones I could share with the group, they had nowhere else to go and they festered. I don’t like talking about my problems to people IN REAL LIFE.. I don’t like to burden them and I don’t really want their solutions.. I just need to get them out of my head. That’s what’s so fantastic about vlogging.. it’s a conversation but it’s also very one sided when it comes to sharing difficult things.
I did try journalling, I had some success on one occasion when I was in a ‘fight’ with my husband. As I wrote about the situation, I saw it from the outside and realised why we each felt the way that we did. My annoyance dissipated and I came away with a better understanding so I KNOW it would do me good.. but after 13 years of this online thing, it’s almost like you’re my best friend and if I can’t tell you then a piece of the puzzle is missing. Speaking of, I do have a friend right now who’s under her own cloud and the disconnect I feel there is also such a weight.
Is this part of adulthood, picking up problems that aren’t yours? How long can we carry them before they become our own?
A couple of things my counsellor said to me when I had some sessions earlier in the year are stuck up on my office wall. One of them says ‘Don’t be everyone else’s rubbish bin’. I only ever spoke to her on the phone but she had the most comforting Irish accent, I wish she could live in my head. The advice sounds harsher than she meant it to but the idea is not to take on other peoples problems as your own. She said it was a consistent theme for me, that I absorbed someones energy and was negatively affected when that was likely never the intention of that person at all. Whether they’re smiling but I can just FEEL their sadness/irritation or they actually offload their day.. I take it on as my own and eventually it becomes too much.
Because my method of self-therapy is talking to YOU, I can’t ever work through those problems because they aren’t mind to share. Some of them I am working on cutting off. They aren't my responsibility and I can close the door on them. Some I am actively involved in.. they’re the ones that keep me up at night.
Christmas last year was hard and I haven’t been feeling all that festive this month because I’m not sure how it will play out this time. The difference is that last year I had been diagnosed with moderate depression and anxiety, I was crying every day and I’d just started taking Sertraline (more on that later).. this year I am 3 months off anti depressants, still feeling the weight but by comparison, I am managing! It would be easy to sit and cry and feel overwhelmed (and sometimes that good) but if I zoom out, I am better now than I was 12 months ago and I feel confident that in 12 months time, I will be better still.
If you’re struggling, remember, in a few weeks it will be January, nobody will have any money and nobody will expect you to be social and smiley. It’s also just ONE Christmas. Everything is temporary. Happiness is not a permanent state, it’s a fleeting emotion. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Reflect - every other year I put so much focus on the new year and plan 12 months in advance.. only to lose steam by spring. This year I want to be more present and continually reflecting on what’s working. What I want more of, how I’m feeling..